It's been raining for three days - cold, stabbing rain that chills me to the core.  Max is bored, sleeping when he's not being a brat - he doesn't mind the cold but the rain is too much even for him.  We were outside for a while today, but it's just not fun.  Bleah.

So we went for a ride. I took him with me to get gas, get beer, and then to Petco and Tractor Supply.  He loves Petco, and decided to surf the treat bar for his favorites.  I had a coupon so I was stocking up and he was letting me know which ones I should buy.  I was laughing too hard to really scold him, it was terribly cute. 

He wasn't too fond of Tractor Supply.  Too many strange big things that moved and made noise.  He wanted out as quickly as possible.  Then home, to cuddle on the sofa till Bear got home.   It was a quiet day, watched some TV - some movies I've wanted to see are coming onto HBO so I snuggled on the sofa with Max and watched Slumdog Millionaire.  Marley and Me is on tomorrow, and Bear is working so I can cry all I want at the end - and I know I'm gonna sob cuz I did when I read the book. 

Bear has gone to bed - tired out.  I worry about him - there's a lot of stress in our lives these days with the whole Harley thing.  It will be a relief, I think, when they finally announce their decision, whatever it may be.  Plan for the worst, pray for the best. 

   Many things.  I have this message board that really isn't all that, but it used to be fun.  Lately it isn't.  I just don't feel like I belong there, and I think others feel the same way.  Slowly it's dwindled to a few posters, and while I care about all of them, I just don't really have the patience to deal with them anymore. 

   I found an old friend on facebook.  I was excited.  She wasn't.  So now it shows up whenever she updates and I feel kinda like a stalker.  I don't want to unfriend her..............so I think I'll just hide her. 

It doesn't really matter, cuz it's mostly for me anyway. 

So I have this message board that I technically own.  I logged on tonight to snag a couple recipes that I don't want to lose, but as of yesterday I'm divorcing myself from it.  One of the members is having some issues - long story, not gonna go into details.  At any rate, she shared those details with me and I didn't think it necessary to share them with anyone else, because after all, it's her business and her story.  Fast forward a couple weeks.  People are wondering if she's okay and no one is saying anything except that they hope so and they're sending good wishes, etc.  Out of the blue, someone decides to post all the details.  Umm, why? 

So I said, "why are you posting this?  Do you have her permission?"  One word answer - yes.  And when did you get this permission, since the person in question is without phone service for 30 days or so.  Oh, before.  Umm, then why did you wait so long to share this information?  Oh, oops, sorry, my bad.

No, dammit, it's not that easy.   I got pissed and said, um, this is not your story to post.  But but but......it's for her support!  Hey, got a functioning brain cell?  She can't READ THE BOARD!  SHE HAS NO COMPUTER ACCESS!  Okay, I said, "I talked to her and she didn't say anything about sharing this story."  So now it's all about me being upset that I got left out or some happy horseshit and hey, JACKASSES - it's not ABOUT ME!  It's about the fact that you posted something that wasn't yours to share! 

Nobody seems to get it and the one who couldn't agree more is a pantload and that's all I gotta say about that.

Good Lord, is it that hard to figure out?

So screw 'em all. I'll email the person whose confidence was betrayed and hopefully she'll understand that I'm not upset with her.  And that it wasn't me who betrayed her trust. 

I am going to come to wherever you're living and I'm going to take every fucking blanket you own and throw it on the floor, jump in your couch and slam it into the wall and leave a pile of dirty dishes in the sink.  And when you get pissed off, I'm going to tell you to just relax.

   But today isn't one of those times.  

Or is it?

My mother used to call me the queen of sleep.  That was back when I could sleep for 12 hours and be awake for 4, then take a 3 hour nap.  I don't get more than 6 hours of sleep most nights anymore.  Why?  Because the man I love sets the Godforsakenmotherlovin alarm clock for 9fuckin30 and then hits snooze over and over.  Actually, I hit snooze a couple times, then give up and get up.  There's a dog who needs to go out and poop and be fed and be thrown a ball (if we can find one - I remember buying a dozen tennie balls but somehow they've all been lost) and he just doesn't understand that mommy would like to sleep awhile.

So today I got up at 9fucking45 and took Max out and had some coffee while he refused to eat his breakfast and then got a shower and went to the chiropractor at 11:30.  Got home at 12:30, had a quick lunch and got stuff together to go to dog park - stopping first at Duke's house, of course. 

Dog park was fun, there were enough dogs that Duke and Max had fun, but not so many that they were overwhelmed.  There were two Great Pyrennee's (that doesn't look right) and one kept coming over and checking out our water bowl.  No problem, but apparently Duke sensed something because he kept placing himself between me and that dog.  I love Duke, he is so quietly protective.  Max is the baby brother who is happily loved and loving and has no concept of danger.  Duke is just aware of everything, he protects Max and he watches over me and I totally adore him. 

Bear took the day off.  It throws our routine out of sync.  But I love having him home and that is that.

Tonight I finished a quilt I've been working on for the past 7 years.  It's always a bittersweet moment when such a big project is completed, and this one is more so than usual. 

I started this quilt for my friend - as a wedding present.  She was married the Saturday before the World Trade Center was blown to bits by a plane crashing into the towers.  A year later, my mother died.  A year after that, I moved to PA, and everything I owned, including the quilt that was now sewn but not quilted, was packed away.  There was no time, and no space, in my life. 

A year later, I married the man of my dreams.  And still the quilt was packed away.  I took it out once, and moved the pins around, and packed it away again.  It made me sad to look at it. 

A year later, we built a house.  I asked Bear for a craft room, and he was more than happy to oblige - and finally the quilt came out of storage. 

Tonight, I finished that quilt.  The last stitch was sewn, and the quilt was folded, and draped over the quilt stand in the hall outside our bedroom.

And I cried.

 I was never in the popular crowd. 

And I'm not now,either.  Apparently the people I thought were friends prefer the company of an anorexic who is obsessed with her treadmill, and a woman who thinks it's just great to let a man put a leash on her, to mine.

So be it.  I'm so done. 

that I spend too much time online

that Max is spoiled

that I get too upset about DB stuff

that I spend too much money

For the most part, Bear is right.  Max is not that spoiled, but otherwise, he's right.  I am sad a lot. I'm sad because I trusted - and I know better than to do that.  I know and I did it anyway and it's no one's fault but mine that I'm so stupid and I want to believe that there are people who won't fuck me and every time I take a chance, I get slapped upside the head again. 

Max is not spoiled. 

Max doesn't lie to me. 

I do spend too much money ..........on stuff I don't need.  Gonna work on that one.

I haven't been spending much time online.  I don't need the drama.